In the final
analysis, the 2 in Gulf War II was for ended TOO fast. It
ended too fast for the troops, the media, and even for the
looters. It took them a whole day to get fully
mobilized. But no group suffered more from the conflict’s
brevity than the anti-war movement.
A three-day
sandstorm was the closest they got to the quagmire that
could have propelled them to beyond the fringe. Still,
even if GWII had dragged into a second month, the anti-war
movement wouldn’t have been able to overcome its endemic
flaws. Hard to imagine since initially, their technical
prowess, and not the U.S. military’s was heralded. They
mobilized people to protest in cities around the world
using the---you guessed it---internet.
Now as the military
analyzes its performance, amazed at what went right, the
peace protesters are doing the same. Only they need to
fix what went wrong in time to better remonstrate the
pending wars on the Syrians, Iranians, North Koreans, Red
Chinese, Martians, and C.H.U.D.S.
Gutless Commercial Cave-ins.
The Dixie Chicks’
pander to a British crowd that they were ashamed to be
from the same state as President Bush played well over
there but backfired on the home front . Perhaps they’d
been hearing too much praise from neo-country fans on the
coasts and forgot where their longtime fans live. And
that many of said fans have generations of children,
brothers, lovers, and friends who serve in the military.
Most embarrassing, they started back-pedaling faster than
Fox News could say, “The Dixie Commies”. All the while,
sales of their album were actually increasing.
They sent an unfortunate message that opposing the war
wasn’t something worth losing airplay over. And besides,
who isn’t ashamed of where they came from? Just ask those
of us from Massapequa, Long Island- better known as
“Buttafuoco Country”.
Lack of Free Love and Drugs
One of the reasons
the masses protest is the same reason the masses go to
bars, book clubs, traffic court, and Target. To get
laid. Ask most Vietnam-era protesters what they
remembered most about those days and they’ll say it was
partying with a sweet blond from San Francisco. In his
memory, he seems to have been protesting something.
That’s if they remember anything at all. Many of those
protests occurred during mass blackouts. But along the
way, they managed to change the world and have a pretty
good time doing it.
Unfortunately,
mandatory drug sentencing laws and genital warts have
taken all the fun and romance out of getting your head
bashed in by the local authorities.
Low Star Wattage
As shameful as the
Baseball Hall of Fame’s treatment of Tim Robbins and Susan
Sarandon was it brought to light one important point:
it’s been 15 years since those two were in a really good
movie that everyone liked. Now they’ve both probably
done their best work since then (Bob Roberts, Dead Man
Walking, Cradle Will Rock) but neither has had a movie
with anything near mass appeal since Nuke got the call to
The Show.
When Jane Fonda got
up on that NVA anti-aircraft gun, she was at the peak of
her fame—one of the top movie stars in the country. John
Lennon was more popular than Jesus. The A-list
celebrities of that era, especially the ones who opposed
the war before Walter Cronkite declared it lost, minimize
the quality of their anti-Iraqi Freedom counterpart. If
you really don’t have a career, what are you putting on
the line? For many of these former stars, this is the
most ink they’ve gotten in years.
Mike Farrell?
You’ve got to admire his passion for lost causes over the
years, but who is this guy? Here’s a history lesson for
those younger readers. A long time ago, “Friends” used to
be called “M*A*S*H”. In fact, “M*A*S*H” reruns were once
as ubiquitous as those of “Seinfeld”. Farrell joined the
4077th midway through its run, replacing Wayne
Rodger’s Trapper John McIntyre. That was the equivalent
of Dustin Diamond replacing Matthew Perry. Polling
reveals that the only character less popular than
Farrell’s B.J. Honeycutt is Charles Emerson Winchester.
And by all accounts David Ogden Stiers has kept his mouth
shut on the war.
Then there’s Janeane
Garafalo. Funny gal. Talks about menstruation. Made 150
movies in the past 18 months. None of which would be any
different had she not been in them. Except “Mystery
Men”. The Bowler’s prowess was exceeded only by William
H. Macy’s Shoveler.
Finally, there’s
President Bartlett. Howard Dean’s poll numbers show
exactly how few Americans want Martin Sheen to be
president. You were saying something Captain Willard?
As the anti-war
movement gears up for Gulf War II, subset b.), they have
to rectify the problems that befell them this time
around. Start with some celebrities that actually have
something to do other than speak out. And for God’s sake
they need some better music. For What It’s Worth, John
Cougar Mellekampf is no Buffalo Springfield.
Mikula is an
editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta
Business Chronicle. He is also a member of MAD Magazine's
"Usual Gang of Idiots" He may or may not be reached at
mambro@bellsouth.net
Past
Columns:
1,
2,
3,
4,
5,
6
Mike
Mikula
