By: Mike Mikula

I’m currently embedded on my den couch with the 1^st Mechanized Remote Control Division.  For security reasons, I cannot reveal my exact position but I can say it is close to reclined.   I have reached my saturation point from the saturation coverage by America’s three all-news stations.  Did you know that that makes 72 hours of coverage a day?  

The good thing about the war is that we’re finally being provided with an opportunity to see just how accurate the predictions of the naysayers and yea-sayers were.  That and we get to see a lot of cool special effects explosions that aren’t killing OUR innocents.

MYTH #1: The war is for oil.

This is an easy one.  If this truly were a war for oil, it would already be over.  We currently control all the oil fields.  We could annex that land, move the 35,000 soldiers from Korea to Iraq to guard it, and pump that oil straight to our gas tanks.  Then every man, woman, and child in America could drive an SUV every waking hour for the next 10,000 years.   What the hell are they marching to Bagdad for?

MYTH #2: The war will be short.

It’s not going to be short like a week but there’s still time for it to be short like two weeks.  But who really knows?   The retired Army General-pensioners on television?  For them a long war means a good Christmas.  Keep in mind, the war JUST STARTED.  The networks would do well to pace themselves.

MYTH #3: The war will be long.

See above.

MYTH #4: The war in Iraq will distract from the war on Terrorism.

It is true that as we fight and die in Mesopotamia, Osama bin Laden and Geraldo Rivera continue to run free in Afghanistan.  It would appear that Osama’s been spending all his time shaving and avoiding getting caught.  You can say many things about George W. Bush, but he’s done a better job of remembering just how horrible September 11^th was than most Americans.  As we put the screws to Osama’s rats, it’s just a matter of time before one of them coughs him up.

MYTH #5: Iraq doesn’t have chemical weapons.

Let me get this straight.    During the –ahem- inspections process, Saddam went out of his way to make it look like he didn’t have chemical weapons.  Now, during the war process, he’s going out of his way to make it look like he DOES have chemical weapons.  Curious.

MYTH #6: The French suck.

Actually, this winds up being true.  Whether you agree with the Franco position or not, you have to admit that France has a real hard-on for messing with us.  Is it because “Old Europe” resents America using her armed forces as a $75 billion penis extender?  Or is it something else?  I know that Dubya’s praying his knees off that the Rangers find Saddam’s files loaded with receipts and photos of Chirac installing an atom-smasher with surround sound into one of Saddam’s now smoldering palaces.  But never forget, it was the French who prevented us from losing our first war.

MYTH #7: The Iraqis won’t fight.

Yeah, and Charlie don’t surf.

MYTH #8: Every member of Saddam’s inner circle has a moustache.

Several of the women in those moving images appear to be clean-shaven.

MYTH #9: Nobody watches MSNBC.

Incorrect.  A statistically insignificant percentage above nobody watches MSNBC.

MYTH #10: Islamic soldiers in the U.S. military won’t frag their officers.

I bet the pundits who said that feel pretty stupid right about now.

But for my money, he best news to come out of the first week of the war is that we don’t have a dolphin gap.

Mikula is an editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta Business Chronicle.  He is also a member of MAD Magazine's "Usual Gang of Idiots"   He may or may not be reached at mambro@bellsouth.net
 

Past Columns: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6