By: Mike Mikula

To:       POTUS

From:   George Tenet, CIA Director

Re:       Approved Methods of Torture

Dear Mr. President:

            We’re all very excited here at Langley about the capture of Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and we’ve already discovered valuable information from his Palm Pilot, including downloaded maps of Middle Eastern countries such as Iraq.  We hope this will be the smoking gun you’ve been looking for to link Saddam to the September 11th plots. 

            Mohammed himself is proving a tougher nut to crack.  Mostly he just shouts, “I’m going to Disneyland!”   Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz and I agree that corporal coercion is our best chance to gain valuable information such as to where in Central Asia we could find a certain six foot-six inch Saudi on dialysis.

            In accordance with our country’s ban on torture, we have attempted to sub-contract several countries that have constitutional protections for such activities.  Unfortunately, Turkey requested $7 billion in aid for their services and while Egypt will do the job for cost of materials, they cannot guarantee the suspect’s safety during the torture process.

            Therefore we are submitting the following torture methods for use by our government for your approval.  As you will read, no animals will be harmed in the harvesting of this information.  And I apologize for this memo exceeding one double-spaced, typewritten page.

            Forced viewing of Laurence Olivier/Dustin Hoffman “dentistry” scene in “Marathon Man”.  Guaranteed to make Mohammed cringe severely.  Given what our intelligence sources have told us about the state of Pakistani dentistry, we feel certain that this will create flashbacks to any recent procedures he may have had.

            Forced reading of ALL loan documents at a house closing.  We estimate this will take at least nine hours.   Ideally, he’ll crack after about five, but should he go the whole distance he’ll be disoriented enough to start naming names.

            Manicure at “Je ne s’ai-SPA” Nail Salon, 39^th Avenue, Bayside.  They’ve been cited three times by the Board of Health in the past eight months.  The next best thing to the old Bataan-bamboo shoot treatment.  Should that fail, their pedicures are guaranteed to yield extensive chatter.

            Sigma Delta Chi Sorority, Binghamton University.   After we strip Mohammed naked in a particularly cold room.  The spring pledge class will mock the size and shape of the subject’s genitals.  We’ll continue bringing coeds forward until he decides to talk.  Initial Pakistani intelligence assessments indicate subject should have a very low threshold for humiliation with regards to this matter.

            If none of these prove effective, which I personally doubt, we are prepared to go with the old Ex-Lax in the chocolate chip cookies.

 

                                                            Yours in Christ,

 

                                                            George

Mikula is an editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta Business Chronicle.  He is also a member of MAD Magazine's "Usual Gang of Idiots"   He may or may not be reached at mambro@bellsouth.net
 

Past Columns: 1, 2, 3, 4