By: Mike Mikula

At the February 23 Madison Square Garden ceremony, Grammy performers and presenters will be lavished with a Wilson’s leather suitcase ($450) crammed full of goodies assembled by L.A.’s Distinctive Assets.  Big-ticket items will include a 14K Maria de la Luz gold ring ($1,000), a 20 GB iPod ($600), and a Siemens wireless PDA phone ($600).

---Entertainment Weekly, February 3.

            In light of revelations that celebrities are being lavished with twenty grand worth of promotional lucre just for giving themselves awards, the Pentagon has decided to get into the act. General Richard B. Myers, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, selected Battlestar-Giftpacktica to create Gulf War II Commemorative Gift Bags for the journalists assigned to the front.  Battlestar-Giftpacktica beat out bids by Backstage Creations and Northrop-Grumman for the lucrative contract. 

The budget remains classified, but sources estimate the cost at between five and six million dollars per bag once they’re retrofitted for the desert-combat environment.   The Pentagon placed an initial order for two hundred bags, with an option for another 150 should the war go spectacularly bad and reserve journalists be required at the front.  In addition, Battlestar-Giftpacktica is bound to buy back up to 40% of the bags should the war resolve quickly or do poorly in the ratings.  The buy-back clause is also tied in to a major event on the home front requiring the redeployment of journalistic assets such as a terrorist attack or simultaneous celebrity-murder trials.

So in addition to higher Q-ratings, here’s what the next generation of “Scud-Studs” will receive for their participation in Operation Just Because:

The Coach Leather Duffel Bag.  The largest leather bag ever produced by Coach gives new meaning to “strategic containment.”   Five full-grown cows provide the material for each bag, which has been reinforced to withstand any conventional explosion the Iraqis are capable of.  The bag is not guaranteed for US ordinance.

Dolce & Gabbara Eyewear.  If Ashleigh Banfield had been wearing contacts on September 11, no one would know who she is.   These distinctive frames will give the appearance not only of intelligence, but also of a personality.   They come fitted with your prescription of just plain glass if you’re 20/20.  Or on 20/20.

Rolex Oyster Perpetual Superlative Battle Chronometer.  This classic wristwatch provides accurate readings from three time zones.  It also has a GPS chip so reporters can be tracked if lost or captured, chemical weapons sensors, and its own light meter to prevent the desert sun from washing out your shots. 

Phyllis Theroux’s Book of Eulogies.  This collection of memorial tributes, poetry, essays, and letters should eliminate embarrassing on-air moments such as being asked to say something nice about Geraldo Rivera if he should wind up killed in action.

Akademiks Velour Chemical Suit.  Those non-existent weapons of mass destruction could be unleashed at any time once the bullets start flying.  This warm-up suit, inspired by Eminem, protects the wearer from anthrax, VX, sarin, ricin, small pox, and really small pox.   The suit provides collateral protection from all forms of venereal disease.

Gold’s Gym-Bagdad Membership.   Iraqis are forbidden from working out by their paranoid leader.  Saddam is fearful of the individual acquiring too much muscle mass and strength thereby becoming a threat.  After liberation, the masses will need a place to exercise.  American reporters will be among the first members. Please note:  In Arab cultures, it is customary NOT to wipe down equipment after exercising.

Kerry Blue Terrier.  While it’s not the most practical dog for the desert or a war zone who is the Pentagon to argue with the Westminster Kennel Club?  Attractive, smart, sure of itself, and quick to react, the Kerry Blue is the canine most journalists see themselves as.  He or she will be a great companion on the front, particularly once a reporter alienates himself from his unit with some unfavorable coverage about this civilian massacre or that.

In addition to these large ticket items, Gulf War II Gift Bags are chock full of coupons for camel rides, hair dye jobs, and Arab informants.  It’s just the Pentagon’s way of saying, “Thanks for covering our war.”

Mikula is an editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta Business Chronicle.  He is also a member of MAD Magazine's "Usual Gang of Idiots"   He may or may not be reached at mambro@bellsouth.net
 

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