By: Mike Mikula

I’ve only been able to watch a little more than an hour of “Joe Millionaire.”  From where I sit on the couch, reality television has little to do with either reality or television.  That is, unless you ‘re the type of person who takes comfort knowing that America has one endless and constantly renewable natural resource: people who are willing to make complete asses of themselves for little more than the chance to be seen doing it on TV 

 Similarly, there’s no shortage of Presidential-aspirants willing to do the very same thing on the political infomercial known as “Meet the Press”.   Week after week, the weak sit down with the Buffalo Behemoth and tell the country (that is the million or so people who care enough about politics to wake up and watch public affairs television) what they think they want to hear.   They are all, of course, in favor of more jobs and fewer planes getting flown into buildings.  They want to get rid of Saddam, and don’t want anybody to actually die in the process. 

My favorite candidate thus far is Joltin’ Joe Lieberman.  The need to please the party’s core is strong in this one.  His current persona is still that of Al Gore’s running mate and it’s tracking well in Iowa, where he’s got a year to go and all of his timeouts left. You see calling a rake a rake (Bill Clinton) and acknowledging the flaws of Affirmative Action doesn’t fly in the Harkin-land.

The reason I like Joe the most, however, is that he has the same first name as that other famous Joe eager for the acceptance of the masses, Joe Millionaire. It’s universally recognized that they’re both hunks and the similarities don’t end there. 

Joe Millionaire has to convince all those bimbos that he’s worth fifty million.

Joe Lieberman has to convince all those corporate donors that he’s worth fifty million.

 Joe Lieberman is disliked in Hollywood because he criticizes their product.

 Joe Millionaire is disliked in Hollywood because he marginalizes their product.

People have tough time believing that construction worker Joe Millionaire only makes $19,000 a year.

People have a tough time believing that Senator Joe Lieberman actually liked Al Gore.

Joe Lieberman went to law school with Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Joe Millionaire went to a law school to fix the roof on the admissions building.

Joe Lieberman has to beat out John Kerry, Dick Gephardt, Howard Dean, and John Edwards.

Joe Millionaire has to beat out “3^rd Watch” and “Everybody Loves Raymond”.

Joe Millionaire appears unaware of basic etiquette such as what a salad fork is for and what kind of wine best compliments an Extra Value Meal.

While dining with Al and Tipper, Joe Lieberman was unaware of some basic etiquette—like keeping your hands and feet away from Tipper’s mouth at all times. 

 Finally, Joe Millionaire’s real name (Evan Marriott) and his recently unearthed commercial modeling shots belie his humble, impoverished story.

Joe Lieberman’s real nickname, “The Conscience of the Senate” and his past positions on school choice and how much Rap sucks belie his claims to be a good, eastern liberal.

In a few weeks Joe Millionaire will select a harlot, profess his love, and tell her he wishes he had more money, but being an aspiring bricklayer just doesn’t pay well.  Then, Fox will turn the tables and tell the audience that they’re actually the ones who have been  lying to us.   They’ll admit they lied when they said Evan Marriott inherited fifty million---he actually inherited five hundred million and only works construction because it’s good for his pecks.  Regardless, he and Ms. Twitt will have broken up long before the final episode airs.

 It’s much more difficult to figure what’s going to happen in 53 weeks, though you can be sure somebody’s going to be lying to us.

Mikula is an editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta Business Chronicle.  He is also a member of MAD Magazine's "Usual Gang of Idiots"   He may or may not be reached at mambro@bellsouth.net
 

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