By: Mike Mikula

Even though this column is about politics, whenever possible I try to write it like it’s about sports.   That’s the result of spending more time reading the sports page than the op-ed page, though with football season winding down and primary season cranking up in a mere twelve months, I’m going to try awfully hard to correct that imbalance.

So instead of writing on and on about the various declared and undeclared Democrats for President and their voting records, blah, blah, blah, I’m going to ape Norman Chad’s Friday football column and very cleverly and sarcastically tell you why each candidate is going to lose.    

Howard Dean- Governor, VT.  He’s being compared favorably with “Clean Gene” McCarthy, another New England “outsider” who appealed to idealists and went on to fail to get the nomination.   Dean will be the story of New Hampshire, doing well with the voters in his backyard and generating a ton of good ink from a semi-admiring press corps.  Riding high atop that wave, he will be out of money before Super-Tuesday.

John Edwards-Senator, Nawf Calina.  After four “distinguished” years in Washington, “Senator Settlement” has decided it’s time to quit fooling around and run the whole country.  You don’t sue your way to being a gazillionaire without being a realist and Edwards knows he has no shot at this nomination.  He’s actually declaring really early for 2008.  If he does win, however, it could mean a nice, juicy cash settlement for all of us.  Of course, Edwards would get a third.

John Kerry-Senator, Massachusetts.  Kerry loves the comparisons to John Kennedy—same initials, great hair, war hero, socialite wife.  In the South, it will be the comparisons to Teddy Kennedy—nearly identical voting record—which will do him in.

Joe Lieberman-Senator, Connecticut.  Now, some people might say that Joe will have trouble getting the nomination because he’s Jewish, but some of the voters’ best friends are Jewish, so that shouldn’t be a problem.  Instead, because of his past efforts at Hollywood crap regulating, he’ll only be able to attract really lame celebrities like Will Ferrell.  No Streisand, no nomination, as they say.

Tom Daschle-Senator, South Dakota.  Daschle just dropped out of the race.  I guess someone finally sat him down and told him that he’d need more than the 250,000 South Dakotans that elect him to the Senate every six years to become President.  

Dick Gephardt-Representative, Missouri.  It all starts and ends with this little nugget: exactly one (1) President has been elected directly from the House of Representatives (James A. Garfield R-OH).  And that was 122 years ago.  If that isn’t enough, some smart Alec will bring up how he dyed his eyebrows during the 1988 primaries.

Senators, don’t get too excited about Gephardt’s gloomy prospects.  The Senate has sent exactly one more man directly to the White House (Harding’20 and Kennedy’60).

Al Sharpton-Loudmouth, New York.  It’s going to be fun watching all these distinguished legislators tripping over themselves to cow tow to the Velvet Pompadour.    I can imagine them thinking as they kiss one of the good Reverend’s many rings, “Okay, so it turns out I am willing to do anything to be President.”  And how about that Reverend Al?    In the eighties, he was a hundred pounds heavier, ran around in a velour sweat suit, and brought New York to the brink of racial chaos by falsely accusing innocent men of the rape and kidnapping of a girl who had actually run away to hang out with her boyfriend.  Only in America can you commit a sin that cries up to heaven for vengeance and come out of it a civil rights leader.

            Reverend Al’s chances?  You have to ask?  But he’ll be great copy.

The Rest.   Now I think even the most ardent partisan would admit that these guys could bore the balls off a Christmas tree.  It’s only a matter of time before the powers that be come asking around about Hillary.  Bill will have of course, told them where and when to find her.  What a flirtation it will be.  In the end, a disappointed Hillary won’t pull the trigger because Bill realizes that she’d get clobbered in the general election.  The Clintons will be vindicated on election night, however, when the fifth straight Democratic ticket without a Clinton on it goes down in defeat.

There’s already a Draft-Hart movement afoot, at least in the panels of Doonesbury.  The old Monkey Business first mate himself has expressed interest in becoming relevant again.  After all, he and Warren Rudman did see 9-11 coming.  Who knows how many more terrorist attacks a President Hart would be able to prevent? 

Then again, the Democrats luck with retreads has been spotty.  For every Frank Lautenburg there’s a Walter Mondale.  And Hart couldn’t beat Mondale back in ’84 anyway.  Still, it is nostalgic to think of Hart and what passed for a sex scandal back in the eighties. 

Be advised that this column carries catastrophic terrorism insurance.  That is to say that if Osama bin Laden calls President Bush and tells him where and when the next terrorist attack will be and then Atlanta gets nuked because Bush forgot to check his voice-mail all weekend and say, someone like, B-1 Bob Dornan suddenly becomes the leading candidate, all bets are off.

Mikula is an editorial cartoonist for Roll Call and the Atlanta Business Chronicle.  He is also a member of MAD Magazine's "Usual Gang of Idiots"   He may or may not be reached at mambro@bellsouth.net