There was a Frenchman, an
Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together
in a carriage in a train going through Provence.
Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as
it was an old style train, there were no lights
in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of
a really loud slap. When the train came out of
the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the
Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he
had been slapped there. The Frenchman was
thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed
Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped
me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The
French fella must have tried to kiss me and
actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped
for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This
is great. The next time the train goes through a
tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap
that French bastard again.
Q. Why is the U.S. Navy
building a fleet of glass bottom boats?
A. So they can steer around the French Navy.
Q. What's the
difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A. You can make soldiers out of
toast.
Q. Why do we
need France on our side against Hussein and Osama?
A. So the French can show them
how to surrender.
Q. How do you
get a trombone to sound like a French horn?
A. Stick your hand in the bell
and mess up all the notes.
Q. Why are the
French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never
won one in your history.
A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder
walks into a bar. The barman says "That's an
real ugly bird you've there. Where did u get
it?"
The parrot says "I got it in
France ... There's millions of 'em there"
The French still need more
proof that Michael Jackson has had plastic
surgery.
Why does the French Flag have Velcro?
So the blue and red sections are easily
removed during a time of war
What is a citizen
of Paris called?
A Parasite
President Bush
and Secretary Rumsfeld may be upset that the French
are not
"assisting" us in this fight, but out here at the
tip of the spear, there is
nothing but jubilation at their absence. Last
thing we need is to be
carrying the French on our shoulders.
A cursory review of French military history reveals
the following:
1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by of
all things, an Italian.
2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last
by a female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French
Warfare: "French armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first
and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.
4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots.
5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant but still
manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis
that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to
wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.
7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip
growers are tougher
than they look.
8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's
War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row
induces deluded Francophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of
French military power.
9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War
also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have
loved every since.
10 - American Revolution - In a move that will
become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though
the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle
Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only
wins when America does most
of the fighting."
11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the
fact that the opponent was
also French.
12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up
being no match for the
Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British
footwear designer.
13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the
first, but certainly not the
last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy
to France 's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.
14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the
way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les
francaise. Thousands of
French women find out what it's like to not only
sleep with a winner, but
one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the
American fascination with
personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to
French women) incites
widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus
precluding any
improvement in the French bloodline.
15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French
standards. Hitler and
the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping
soundly through the winter,
then arouse themselves to conquer France in six
weeks. Hitler dances in
front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command
staff retreats to
Algeria to institute a crash language program to
teach French privates how
to say "I surrender" in German and French generals
to say "We surrender" in
German. Conquered French liberated by the United
States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some
small portion of the
German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...
16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles,
known as "the scrimmage",
or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is
kept on the sideline to
see how the second string will play)
- Lost. French soldiers, fresh off
their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a
terminal case of Dien
Bien Flu.
17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab
army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the
first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A
nice phrase, but it
lacks something in originality, since it is also the
first rule of warfare
for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans,
English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.
18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not
being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to
participate. When it becomes
clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques
Chirac looks at his cards and
immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard
Schroeder. For good
measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal
immigrants from Algeria.
The moral of the story is - give thanks to God on
high that the French are
not helping us!
**You forgot
the French intervention in Mexico 1862-1867 (why the
Mexicans celebrate Cinco de Mayo - outnumbered and
under equipped Mexicans beat the pants off the
French).
It was a total debacle for them and worth inclusion
in
your list of lost wars.
Let's make
Saddam a deal. If he leaves Iraq, he can have
France. Of course, Saddam would say that is no deal
because he already HAS France!
It really
isn't fair to call the French "swine". After all,
pigs have feelings too.
A lot of folks are still demanding
more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example,
France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France
wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."
—David Letterman
"I don't
know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of
Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France."
—Jay Leno
"Did you see the new bomb the
government came up with? It weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this
bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at Disneyworld 25 French
tourists surrendered." —Jay Leno
"Broadway producers are saying that
because of the war, musicals are suffering from weak ticket sales. Not only
that, over at 'Les Miserables,' the French are refusing to take part in the
revolution." —Conan O'Brien
"There was another war-related
casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our
bandwagon." —Jay Leno
"A lot of Americans right now are
angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of
Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to
'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian
dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien
"In protest of France's opposition
to a U.S. war on Iraq, the U.S. Congress' cafeteria has changed french fries
and french toast to 'freedom fries' and 'freedom toast.' Afterwards, the
congressmen were so pleased with themselves, they all started freedom
kissing each other. In a related story, in France, American cheese is now
referred to as 'idiot cheese.'" —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's
"Weekend Update"
"Army personnel in Kuwait unloaded
a dozen faulty tanks that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in reverse
— they've been repackaged and sold to France." —Craig Kilborn
"I would call the French scumbags,
but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say
we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller
"The only way the French are going
in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller
"As you know our Allies of Evil are
not being helpful with this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think
President Bush is handling this situation all wrong What Bush should do is
send someone the French really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want
to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and
wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan O'Brien
"Well, it looks like we've moved a
step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw
that one up?" —Jay Leno
"President Bush and National
Security Guard Tom Ridge launched the new Department of Homeland Security,
just 24 hours after taking us down to threat level French — I'm sorry, I
mean threat level yellow." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has called for the
end of the marriage tax calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by
God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the French." —Craig Kilborn
"According to the Pentagon today,
secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military
officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so
for God sakes, don't tell anyone. ... What we're doing basically is giving
these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See,
this is where we could have used the French." —Jay Leno
"President Bush has delivered a new
resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N.
resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or
we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield." —Craig Kilborn
"After what they say was an
exhaustive investigation, the Defense Minister of France said today that
Osama bin Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he may have
escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead. Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll
take it from here. Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno
"American tourists in Paris are
reported to being yelled at, spit upon, and attacked by the French. Thank
God things are getting back to normal." —Jay Leno
"French troops arrived in
Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as
advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly." —Jay Leno
"Finally, this week the French
soldiers have showed up in Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to
show up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno
Responses from France:
What do
you call someone who speaks three
languages? "Multilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks two
languages? "Bilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks one
language? "An American".
Q: How many American
tourists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb
costs in the local
currency, four to comment on "how funny-looking"
local lightbulbs are, three
to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to
take pictures, and one to
buy postcards in case the pictures don't come out.
Q: What do Americans call
a TV set that goes five years without need of
repair?
A: An import.
Q: How can an American
tell if the car he's just bought is brand new?
A: When it gets recalled by the factory.
America is:
-a country where everyone has time to mow their
three-acre lawn each week,
but no one has time to cook their own food;
-a country where "evil-doer" and "do-gooder" are
both negative
characterizations;
-a country whose academic institutions are better
known for their athletes
than for their scholars;
-a country whose car parks are bigger than the
buildings they serve;
-a country where it is possible to purchase (and
theoretically consume)
sugar-frosted honey-coated deep-fat-fried cheese
sticks;
-a country where they play a brand of football
which involves minimal use of
the foot and maximal use of the hands;
-a country which calls itself the Land of the Free
yet has the world's
second highest incarceration rate, behind Russia;
-a country where only the well-to-do ride
bicycles; and
-a country where petrol costs less than bottled
water.
Questioner: "What is your opinion of American
civilization?"
Mohandas K Ghandi: "I think it would be an
excellent idea."
I'll just
write in a very simple English so that you can all
get what I say!
-I'm not even asking you to understand an other
language! retarded bunch of
rednecks!
-What about your great victory in Vietnam assHole?
-French people didn't organize the murder of their
own president ...remember
Kennedy asshole?!
-Most of you stupid Americans couldn't pick an
other single country on a
map.
-Once I was told by one of you: "coming from
France? Dam that's a long
drive!..." !!!!ONLY IN THE STATES!!!!!
How do you call a smart
American?...A tourist!
The explosion of shuttle Columbia didn't stop the
Americans. They recently
decided to land a shuttle on the sun...When the
French told them it was
impossible because of the heat, they proudly
replied that they would land at
night!
If an American is interested in the European
culture he is considered as an
intellectual. If a European is interested in the
American culture he is
considered as a retarded!
Please send us your jokes at info@purepolitics.com.
Do you know why
Electricite de France's generators failed during
the heat wave?
Because they run on Iraqi oil.
Why did the French not
have enough air conditioning to protect
themselves from the heat this summer?
Because in France even the air conditioners only
work 35 hours a week.
What do you call a rich
Parisian retiree?
Creme Brulee (burnt cream).
What is the name of the
new French retirement home?
Chez Flambee.
Standard Operating
Procedure for a French family with elderly
parents:
1) Place elderly parent in an small, oven
shaped Paris apartment.
2) Bake and leave unattended for 3 weeks.
3) If still alive, repeat procedure.
Why couldn't the French
pay their electricity bill for the AC?
Because Qadafi of Libya wouldn't accept third
party billing.
Do you know the French
finally found a "parfum" to overpower the odor
when they don't shower daily in the summer?
It's the parfum of their dead elderly.
Do you know why the
French health system suffered a catastrophic
failure?
Because it is run by the French...
What do you call an army
that's so pathetic it takes a 5'6" half-Italian
guy to make it worth something?
French.
What do you call a person
who's interested in France?
Potential
conqueror.
As we all know, our beloved "Star-Spangled
Banner" has been the national anthem for about
200 years. Which is more than the French can
say. In fact, I can remember two distinct
instances in history where the French National
Anthem wasn't even in French! It went something
like, "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."
What do you call people who are delusionally
smug about their superiority despite the fact
that their army surrendered to Mickey Mouse,
their navy has never won a single battle, and
they've needed America, Britain, and Canada to
save their sorry a**es twice in the last
century?
French, of
course.
Find Your Countries Government and News from Around
the World ....
Jacques Chirac telephones George
Bush with a frantic plea for help…”Mr.
President, we have been informed by our
scientists that a giant meteor is headed
straight for French, and unless something is
done, it will strike France in 8 hours and
completely destroy our country! Please help us
by aiming all of your ballistic missiles at it
to help us eliminate this threat before it’s too
late!!”
French. They taste like chicken!"
---- Hannibal Lecter
"France has neither winter nor
summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it
is a fine country. France has usually been
governed by prostitutes."
---Mark Twain
"I would rather have a German
division in front of me than a French one behind
me."
--- General George S. Patton
"Going to war without France is
like going deer hunting without your accordion."
--Norman Schwartzkopf
"As far as I'm concerned, war
always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of
France
"As far as France is
concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh
"The French are a smallish,
monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better,
on average, than the citizens of Baltimore.
True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink
little cups of coffee, but why this is more
stylish than sitting inside and drinking large
glasses of whiskey I don't know."
--- P.J O'Rourke (1989)
Next time there's a war in
Europe, the loser has to keep France. "The last
time the French asked for 'more proof' it came
marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman
"I don't know why people are
surprised that France won't help us get Saddam
out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us
get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno
The only
navel victory that the French had in it's long
history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior
in New Zealand.
The French government announced that a statue
would be built in front of the Parisian
McDonalds restaurant that was stormed by elite
French troops last week. Chirac stated solemnly,
"The bravery and courage of the men, women and
children that gave us this tremendous victory
are in the finest tradition of French arms." A
moment of silence followed for the dead,
wounded, and missing in action.
Why Surgeons Love Operating on Frenchmen
Five surgeons are
discussing who makes the best patients to operate
on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them
up, everything inside is numbered,"
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians.
Everything inside them is color-coded,"
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think
librarians are the best; everything inside them is
in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers.
They always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end and when the job takes longer
than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts
them all up when he observes: "The French are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no
balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are
interchangeable."
Why did the French Army
cross the road?
The road just
happen to be in the path of their retreat.
What do you call a french
woman who sleeps with every man she meets?
Married.
And why are French streets tree lined?
So the
Germans can march in the shade.
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
No
one knows. It's never been tried.
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands
up?
The army.
How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four
in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from
behind).
How do you identify a French soldier?
Sunburned
armpits
What do you call someone in France taking a bath?
A tourist
FOR SALE: French rifles . . .
never fired, only dropped once.
It has come to my attention the real reason the
French have not mobilized in the war with Iraq is
they were covertly asked not to participate with the
coalition. Seems the British, Americans and everyone
else had logically concluded that having both sides
of a war trying to simultaneously surrender would be
too confusing.
That last one is more than a joke. It's shrewd
commentary. It captures why the French make
such poor allies. When they pulled out of NATO
40 years ago and declared Americans must close down
their bases in France, Secretary of State Dean Rusk
had a bitterly caustic response: "Should we
dig up the graves of American soldiers in Normandy,
too, and take them
home?"
No French answer was
recorded.
"Did you
see the new bomb the government came up with? It
weights 21,000 pounds. The Air Force tested this
bomb in Florida and the bomb blast was so strong at
Disneyworld 25 French tourists surrendered." —Jay
Leno
"A lot of
Americans right now are angry at the French. In
Washington, the cafeteria where the members of
Congress eat announced that they have changed the
name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing
like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian
dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.'" —Conan O'Brien
"Army
personnel in Kuwait unloaded a dozen faulty tanks
that only go in reverse. Tanks that only go in
reverse — they've been repackaged and sold to
France." —Craig Kilborn
"I would
call the French scumbags, but that, of course, would
be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we
invade Iraq, then invade Chirac." —Dennis Miller
"The only
way the French are going in is if we tell them we
found truffles in Iraq." —Dennis Miller
"As you
know our Allies of Evil are not being helpful with
this Iraqi situation. With all due respect I think
President Bush is handling this situation all wrong
What Bush should do is send someone the French
really respect, like Jerry Lewis." —Jay Leno
"You know
why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
Because he hates America, he loves mistresses and
wears a beret. He is French, people." —Conan
O'Brien
"Well, it
looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not
with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw
that one up?" —Jay Leno
"President
Bush has called for the end of the marriage tax
calling marriage a 'sacred institution recognized by
God and man.' Wow, this guy can't stop slamming the
French." —Craig Kilborn
"After what
they say was an exhaustive investigation, the
Defense Minister of France said today that Osama bin
Laden is either still in hiding in Afghanistan, he
may have escaped to Pakistan, or he may be dead.
Hey, France, thanks a lot. We'll take it from here.
Hard to believe they were invaded twice." —Jay Leno
"French
troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a
minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers
to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender
properly." —Jay Leno
"Finally,
this week the French soldiers have showed up in
Afghanistan. Figures — just like the French to show
up after the hard work has been done." —Jay Leno
"We didn't need the French after all, the Iraqis are
starting to surrender before the fighting starts,
guess they knew the French maneuver already."
Karen M. - Puerto Rico
An American is
having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants,
bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing
gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the
Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman:
"You American folk eat the whole bread??"
American (in a
bad mood): "Of course."
French: (after
blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France,
we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in
a container, recycle it, transform them into
croissants, and sell them to the United States."
The Frenchman
has a smirk on his face. The American listens
in silence.
The Frenchman
persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"
American: "Of
Course."
Frenchman:
(cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and
leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform
them into jam and sell the jam to the United
States."
The American
then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman:
"Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
American: "And
what do you do with the condoms once you've used
them?"
Frenchman: "We
throw them away, of course."
American: "We
don't. In America, we put them in a container,
recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and
sell them to France."
Why do the French eat a lot of cheese?
Because when
you're gutless, it helps bind your tongue to keep
it from falling out your a**!
Is it any wonder that America’s most beloved
French character is a skunk
who stinks and thinks that he is desirable
love god?
"Well,
you have to admit the French are right about some
things-- especially
when it comes to cheese."
Three
guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American
are out walking along
the beach together one day. They come
across a lantern and a genie pops out
of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says
the genie.
The Englishman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was
a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile
in England." With a blink
of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in England
was forever made fertile
for farming.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a
wall around France, so that
no one can come into our precious country."
Again, with a blink of the
Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall
around France.
The American asks, "I'm very curious. Please
tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet
high, 50 feet thick and
nothing can get in or out."
The
American says, "Fill it up with water
What do
you call someone who speaks three
languages? "Multilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks two
languages? "Bilingual".
What do you call someone who speaks one
language? "An American".
Why do you need to speak multiple languages? "To
avoid misunderstandings
when surrendering to any foreign country who
happens to threaten you, or who
just happens to get lost in France and stops to
ask for directions, or who
happens to dial a French telephone number by
mistake, etc."
During
the reunification of Germany there was much debate
over where the new capitol should be located.
Bonn, Berlin, Berlin, Bonn....and then the answer
