"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier tonight, the Democratic presidential candidates took part in a debate sponsored by the senior citizen group AARP. It was just like the other debates, except the moderator asked the same question over and over." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday while in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I believe it's pronounced Nintendo.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Dan Rather announced yesterday he is suing CBS for $70 million for damaging his career. After hearing this, Katie Couric said, 'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, the Secretary of Education spoke to a group of school children in Cleveland. She told the students that if they got a good education, they can get the hell out of Cleveland" --Conan O'Brien

"The Iranian President ... is coming to New York, but he's been denied permission to go to Ground Zero in New York City. He wanted to go to Ground Zero. I got an idea. Is there any way we can bring Ground Zero to him?" --Jay Leno

"Another person was tasered today during a John Kerry speech ... not for being disruptive. I guess while listening to Kerry, the guy slipped into a coma." --Jay Leno
 

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