By: Robert Inman Ragsdale, Jr.

               
My Fellow Americans,

There is an energy problem in America. We are not consuming enough oil.

My 'Uncle Ronny' - That is, my little nickname for Enron Corporation- is telling me that they're not happy with the numbers be this quarter, and its all your fault! America, we must, can and will do better.

With all the power that's left in this Bully Pulpit, I urge the American people to turn up
the heat and air conditioning in their houses. Leave your lights, your TV and computer on at all time. Drive bigger cars: minivans, SUV's, pickups.     If you are one of the fine Americans who already own an SUV, consider a tractor trailer!

And drive fast. Speed. Get in that car and punch it!  Also ride the break, and keep pumping that gas pedal - this will use 20% more gas than careful driving.     Change lanes a lot, because that uses more gas than staying in the same one.

If you have solar panels in your home, think about how much oil you could consume if you ripped them out. And if you got one of those wind thingamigings that spin around -- take it down. Get real. Get oil.

And don't just buy the oil you think you'll consume. Buy extra. Open up cans of the stuff and dump it in your back yard.... Just for the fun of it. Or better yet, open it up in your neighbor's back yard. As a little practical joke, you know.

And now, I am pleased to let you know that doctors paid for by Enron have discovered that yes - you can even drink oil. I'm aware that some doctors say you might
get sick, but that's just Democratic and liberal trash. Oil has many positive beneifts. It'll lube everything up inside you, make everything flow smoother and work better. It'll give you Vitamins E, K and M. You'll run quicker, have more energy. And physcologists paid by Enron even say it can make you happy. You'll feel all warm inside, soon as you drink
it.

Just like them kamakazies I drank at Harvard. Just Kidding. ( Oh, shoot! I know Cheney's gonna string me up for that one! He keeps telling me, no ad libbing. )


The point of what I'm supposed to be saying here is: AMERICA! DRINK MORE OIL

Drink it up like the sweet dark. syrup it is! Oil comes in attractive cans of many sizes, shapes and colors. Stock up on em. Collect them all. In facty, you may want to have the Enron truck come and just deliver you a barrel. You can't get enough oil.

And for those poor people, who can't afford oil. Don't worry. You can still be a productive member of our oil consuming American society. Just ask, and a Federally Funded Faith-Based Charity will come by and give you a can of oil. You might have to convert to
their religion to get them to give it to you but, but so what, it doesn't cost you nothing.

Your President

George W. Bush

PS: I'm tired of getting emails from Californians about them running out
of power. I just delete them anyway. California, Talk to the hand! And drink your oil!